Journal Entry 1: How to Practice Self-love From Scratch
Breath in
Breath out
For the better part of the last 4 years, I’ve struggled with the concept of loving myself.
I spent a lot of time intellectualizing my pursuit of self-love. I thought that the more knowledge I collected on the topic would result in something clicking in my brain. Like waking up one morning and going, “finally, I love myself”. This was far from the case.
The constant searching, collecting of mental health books, listening to podcasts, and reading essays was evidence of how much I love myself. I just didn’t have the will to love myself in the face of the world.
Of course, I didn’t realize this until after I started actively centering myself in my existence. This centering took more gumption than I thought I possessed. To love youself takes an immense amount of honesty without judgement. I tended to struggle with the “without judgment” part.
Step 1: Honesty
When I say I'm honest, I mean HONEST. Not the “I wish I could change the way I look” honesty. I mean the “ I am having a hard time regulating and validating my emotions” type of honesty.
I’ve been in therapy for 9 months now, and during this period, I came to realize that I’ve always loved myself. My problem was implementing acts of self-love without feeling like I was faking it.
I’ve written about my fear of the world via perception numerous times this year. The secret to digesting a fear of perception is not caring.... but to stop caring, I had to admit that I did care about how others saw me.
It’s easier said than done, but it’s the key to loving youself from scratch.
Step 2: Keeping promises to oneself
Finding my footing within the things that bring me joy aids in my exploration of self-love. Going on walks, perfecting my homemade matcha latte recipe, and keeping promises that I made to myself really made this part easy. Having nonnegotiable expectations for myself(that don’t revolve around the perception of others) allowed me to reimagine the foundations of the relationship between myself and I.
Step 3: Giving Youself Grace
Having grace for myself was the hardest part about this entire journey. Making time/space to reflect on my emotions felt like a burden at the beginning. I often asked myself, “Why is this my responsibility to deal with?” in response to trauma and the emotional instability that comes with it.
Taking a step back, being objective and accepting of my emotional landscape only happened after I was honest with how painful my emotional state felt at times.
For example, while reflecting on my coping mechanism, I accepted that many of my past ways were rooted in trying to survive a traumatic environment. During this reflection, my emotional state was intense. Instead of being swallowed up in the moment, I accepted where I was emotionally.
I didn’t have the right words to describe this feeling, but it was painful, and that’s ok.
To summarize, building self-love from scratch takes honesty, keeping promises to yourself, and giving yourself grace. It takes time to rebuild/ build a strong foundation that you have with yourself. Many tears went into building my own, but eventually, I could build on top of it.
Breath in
Breath out
Self-love is opening up this essay. Trying to find those answers to how to find a stronger connection with yourself is the biggest indicator of self-love. You’re trying, and that should be acknowledged.
Thank you for reading.
-Ray’nee